Some Interesting Things About Me

So I was just thinking - and based on what I would like to know about other bloggers out there - here are some interesting things about myself :)

01. Life is Beautiful. I get the biggest mood lift ever when I listen to this song - I have a revelation that "life is beautiful" even through the sorrows and that makes me cry.

02. I hate group work in school. I like people and talking but when a professor suggests group work I get all tense.

03. Sometimes, I am irritated by my own voice. I wish that it sounded different. I am also a little self conscious about it for some reason.

04. I prefer shopping by myself to shopping with others.

05. Contrary to popular belief I am not that shy, I am just quiet. And there is a difference. It is not that I feel weird around people, it is just that I do not feel the need to always talk. On another note, there are a good number of people that I am awkward around, for no real reason. It's a bit annoying.

06. I cried off and on for four days after I finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife. To this day this is the book that has affected me the most.

07. I am torn about my future. I can continue along the accounting path - fairly easy for me, good money, straight forward; or switch to something more artsy - less certain about financial things, less easy, but definitely more fun and rewarding.

08. Food grosses me out very easily but yet I love to eat.

09. I am a dreamer and I usually have an ideal image of how things in life should play out. I think that it is helpful at times because it gives me something beautiful to strive for while preventing life from bogging me down but on the flipside, when things don't turn out like I see them it's fairly depressing.

10. I like to think that I am good at giving advice, now I just need to learn to take it myself.

11. I wish I were more stubborn. In relationships I tend to be the one that lets everything slide and I go with the flow even if it is not what I want to do - a good quality in moderation but sometimes I feel like it makes my personality seem drab.

12. I overthink and overanalyze. and make things out of nothing.

13. If I could meet one fictional character it would be Henry DeTamble.

14. I am a happy person but I like tragedy. I think it appeals to the part of me that wallows in emotion. Sad music features singers who are pouring out emotion that you can hear in their voices, in tragic books I can dwell and put myself in the characters place and feel the overwhelming emotions they feel, and in art I can feel the haunting feeling - and it makes me relate. Maybe that is it - it gives me the feeling that no matter what bad things could happen, they have happened before and I am not alone.

A Revelation

Recently I have realised that I do not have the sense of self that I need. There are things that I am feeling that I know are holding me back from whatever awaits me and if not fixed then I am sure that in 20 years time I will look back and regret the limitations that I have put on myself because I will be more insightful into the things that I have missed out on.

I feel like I am waiting to live! I watch people and envy them: their relationships, their sense of style, their beauty, bravery, love, and laughter, and their devotion to life - to just living. In my head I feel that if I just get through college then I will start living, I will start my life and be free from this weight of self doubt - but honestly I know that after college it will only continue like: as soon as I get married, or as soon as I have children, my life will start - and I don't want to live that way. The reality is that I am living RIGHT NOW, this is my life, it has started with or without me and I am only wasting the years feeling sorry for myself that I cannot seem to get on with it.

I was brought up sheltered to some extent but mostly just fortunate - fortunate to not have a lot of suffering, bullying, or conflict around me. I have since seen this as a burden upon myself because I feel like I have not experienced some things that are such an accustomed part of our world. I need to regaurd this as a gift and make it part of who I am that I have been so lucky rather than a reason why I do not know who I am or how I can pilot my way.

I don't want to be only SB, the girl from accounting. I would love to own a business, to design, to show people outwardly what is on the inside but I am constantly second guessing as to if I could do any of these things - surely they are reserved for only the people who come from priveledge or who are simply genius! I constantly think that success stories are one in a million, that I couldn't be one of the lucky 1/1000000 of the population and honestly with that attitude, I couldn't. So I am working on that. I am in america after all, home of the american dream.

What it all boils down to is that I want to do things, I want to make a difference and make a name for myself. I want to make mistakes and learn from them, I want to welcome pain and tragedy because they will make me stronger, and I want things to happen in my life to make it unique - and I realise now that I am the sole usher in my life and I need to take it more into my hands instead of hoping that people will change it for me - I cannot expect anyone to do that and I shouldn't because in all reality that would make me nothing more than a puppet! And I do not want to look back and see myself as simply a player in my own life. No, I want to look back and know that it was my ideas, my actions, and help from God that made my life a success, whatever that may be.