A Revelation

Recently I have realised that I do not have the sense of self that I need. There are things that I am feeling that I know are holding me back from whatever awaits me and if not fixed then I am sure that in 20 years time I will look back and regret the limitations that I have put on myself because I will be more insightful into the things that I have missed out on.

I feel like I am waiting to live! I watch people and envy them: their relationships, their sense of style, their beauty, bravery, love, and laughter, and their devotion to life - to just living. In my head I feel that if I just get through college then I will start living, I will start my life and be free from this weight of self doubt - but honestly I know that after college it will only continue like: as soon as I get married, or as soon as I have children, my life will start - and I don't want to live that way. The reality is that I am living RIGHT NOW, this is my life, it has started with or without me and I am only wasting the years feeling sorry for myself that I cannot seem to get on with it.

I was brought up sheltered to some extent but mostly just fortunate - fortunate to not have a lot of suffering, bullying, or conflict around me. I have since seen this as a burden upon myself because I feel like I have not experienced some things that are such an accustomed part of our world. I need to regaurd this as a gift and make it part of who I am that I have been so lucky rather than a reason why I do not know who I am or how I can pilot my way.

I don't want to be only SB, the girl from accounting. I would love to own a business, to design, to show people outwardly what is on the inside but I am constantly second guessing as to if I could do any of these things - surely they are reserved for only the people who come from priveledge or who are simply genius! I constantly think that success stories are one in a million, that I couldn't be one of the lucky 1/1000000 of the population and honestly with that attitude, I couldn't. So I am working on that. I am in america after all, home of the american dream.

What it all boils down to is that I want to do things, I want to make a difference and make a name for myself. I want to make mistakes and learn from them, I want to welcome pain and tragedy because they will make me stronger, and I want things to happen in my life to make it unique - and I realise now that I am the sole usher in my life and I need to take it more into my hands instead of hoping that people will change it for me - I cannot expect anyone to do that and I shouldn't because in all reality that would make me nothing more than a puppet! And I do not want to look back and see myself as simply a player in my own life. No, I want to look back and know that it was my ideas, my actions, and help from God that made my life a success, whatever that may be.